Come the graduation of High School I had little idea of what I wanted to do with my life.
I’m not really sure anyone ever does, even the ones who seem like it.
I considered radio or media… was drawn to the business side of the music industry.
But for the most part I just had no clue. Tangled in self doubt and friendship circles, I led with the head and followed what was around me rather than what was inside of me.
During my HSC exams I didn’t even bother attempting to gain an ATAR, simply because my friend wasn’t… a decision I had a fair inkling was the wrong one - I did it anyway.
After graduation I realised those friendship circles I found myself hovering in were not much more than crowds of convenience, baring little to no substance or authenticity. So I cut ties with all but a select few. It was abrupt and probably a bit harsh, but I believe that was the beginning of my soul kicking in to guide me… showing me what aligned and what did didn’t for the first time, consciously.
With my lack of ATAR and exam results baring only a scratch surface fraction of my actual potential, I took an alternative entry course into Uni straight out of graduating; no gap year, no travel… a decision I had a fair inkling was going to be regretted - I did it anyway.
I also quit half way through… again a decision I had fair inkling was a silly one - again, I did it anyway.
University just wasn’t the space for me at that time. So concentrated on my work; writing reviews & interviews for a bunch of music magazines and online publications. Music Journalism never provided much stability but it sure made for some epic memories and more importantly, a place for me to find & explore my voice.
From music journalism came PR and Artist Management, interning and freelancing.
Swiftly learning that the music business is a fickle place to be and I somewhat naively made it my own personal mission to not fall into the ego trap that often dominates it. I worked with local artists and bands - writing copy & media releases; booking tours and arranging logistics.
I thought this is it… this what I will do, this the space I am here to take up.
Long story short it wasn’t. And even after 2 years of feeling like perhaps I needed to move on - I did it anyway. How could I leave it behind this thing I found? What if there was nothing else for me? I was resolute there wasn’t. So pushed on and on again, and wound up making messes… none more concerning than the mess I made of myself.
It became a dark time and the more I pushed and clung on while feeling ripped away by something unknown , the darker things got. I was all wound up, tangled and terrified.
Which was more straining because as an Artist Manager I held someone else's career in my hands… the career of an artist I believed in with everything I had. And that’s why I kept clinging on, no longer out of passion but for the feeling that I owed it to them.
That particular artist put up with more than they ever should have given the situation. But funnily enough they saw something in me I been squashing in myself… my own creativity. The thing that was ripping me away, it was the soul calling of my own creativity. I was an artist myself. So as it turns out, I had a call to heed to.
I wasn’t sure how to respond - But here I am, I’m doing it anyway.
Writing and drawing, it was always there… I just wasn’t paying attention.
And these days that’s what I do. But I do it for a different kind of work… I do it for the heartwork. With the added benefit that it can provide for me on every level.
Point is: there is no set map for any person. The time I have squandered stressing about my turbulent choices or direction, believing anything other than what I had was just too far out of reach for me - literally made me sick. And the amount of people I see tangled in regret or panic for their own is just all too common. It’s just humdrum to me now.
Truth is: we get to wherever it is we are going in our own time, at our own pace. And while on the journey, we take up space; space we were made to take up.
We must hold the bones of our passions and lessons; nourish and explore every inch of every last one of them… sending the universe the succinct message that you hear the call.
“Energy goes where energy flows” - flow with it. It cannot be forced; it just can’t.
In-authenticity will fizzle, not sparkle… you will feel the difference, the universe WILL tell you.
If there’s any words you take from this day or your time here in these words; let it be this:
When you come to encounter fear and doubt, because let’s face it… it is inherently human and likely that you will; hear it, recognise it, thank it for trying to protect you and let it the fuck go.
Spend YOUR days heeding to YOUR soul call.
And please, PLEASE make time to notice the sensation inside of you… the one that has been there whole time just patiently waiting for you to unearth it and bring it to life. True peace and authentic happiness are the precious by-products and real life magics of honoring your deepest, most authentic callings... And my god, I hope you hear it and my god, I hope you answer it.
There will be noise…. things that get in the way and distract you, trying to drown out the call. Listen inward - do it anyway.